|
|
Day 1: Diamond in Your Pocket
Gangaji is a teacher and author who has traveled the world since 1990, speaking with thousands of spiritual seekers from all walks of life. Her message is powerful, clear and simple: true peace and lasting fulfillment are not only our birthright, they are the essential nature of our being. She is dedicated to pointing to true fulfilment through simple and direct self-inquiry in the tradition of the sage Sri Ramana Maharishi and Sri HWL Poonja. She is the author of You are THAT!, Freedom and Resolve: The Living Edge of Surrender, Who Are You?: The Path of Self-Inquiry, and The Diamond in Your Pocket.
 Gangaji began by recalling her first visit to Findhorn nearly 30 years ago when the Foundation was in the birth pangs of being called to be a centre of light. There was alot of chaos, she remembered, as there always is when something shifts fundamentally. This is a great symbolism of nurturance on the planet - it in itself - this that has called us and shifted our reality and directs us in this unknowable life. Now she sees that the trees and plants have grown, it's become a village, and the community is flourishing. She feels honoured to be a part of that - we're all just a part of that whole and we each have a role to play; however, the actual role is not what we think it is. It can be unknown and unseen to us, but we can still be true to it.
Gangaji invited us to stop conceptualising what we are, where we think we're going, what we should be doing. Stop all conceptualisations of reality in this time we have together. Let's do this as an investigation - a living inquiry - to discover what is always here - alive, real regardless of our overlay. Gangaji admitted that although she loves stories - scary stories, stories that turn out well, stories that don't turn out well - what she pays attention to is what's under that - the source of thought. The source of all stories is the truth - the intelligent awareness of what you are. It's nothing I can give you or you can learn, she told us. I can support with the experience. Findhorn can also do that. You have left your day to day activities behind and this place and our time together can support you. We can support each other in ways we can't even imagine.
I have nothing to teach you - you already know everything. Truly, I'm inviting you not to learn anything and that's radical. In our society, we learn and we get the biscuit or the pat. It's an impulse that is deeply wired - to learn, to get it right, and get the reward. I'm asking you to open your consciousness to what is here. Forget what you have learned. Learning is a pollution when it is regarding discovering the truth of yourself. Who you are is unlearned and free and filled with the light of consciousness, unhindered by concepts.
 Gangaji shared the story of how she came to be here, meeting us in this way. "I was just another miserable human being," she began. I experienced moments of happiness of course, but I was searching always, searching for happiness, searching for love, searching for enlightenment. And when I didn't get it, I blamed myself, my parents, my government, myself again, my first husband.... I was functionally unhappy. And I felt guilty because I didn't have a reason to be unhappy. I wasn't in a war zone, I hadn't been raped, I wasn't poverty stricken - I was just middle class miserable and also ashamed of that. I went to lots of teachings and workshops and just kept searching. In 1988, my second husband and I realised we needed a teacher either to let us know our search was futile or to be enlightened. She prayed for a true teacher but knew she didn't want a guru, didn't want the teacher to be from India, and definitely didn't want her name to be changed to one of those hard to pronounce spiritual names. Within 6 months, her polluted prayer brought her a guru who lived in India and a new name.
When Papaji asked her what she was looking for, she said freedom. He said, Welcome, you're in the right place. She waited for instructions as to what to do. Papaji simply said, Stop. Stop everything you're doing. He said it with such love, such power - but it was radical because she was waiting for a set of instructions. Then she began to feel a flood of emotions, including fear - fear that if she stopped her beautiful search she would lose ground. Stopping was the invitation to meet her death - the reality of the death of this form. Stop denying, stop searching for proof and meet the inevitable - the death of form - therein lies the awakening.
Papaji was inviting her to meet her own death as he had done. The realisation that followed is tremendous, she shared. In 1990 he told her to come and offer this invitation to the West - the possibility to stop everything and discover the direct truth of who you are. We overlook those precious moments and miss the ever present - the precious, alive, conscious - always in fulfillment, always at peace with itself.
We link it up to a moment in nature or a person and try to recreate it. If, however, you allow this all the way in, you'll discover who you are - you can be angry, sad, in any state - and there is always a bedrock of peace and fulfillment that allows it all. It's not who you will be - it's who you are. This is how our time will be spent in these next days, through conversations, but mostly the time we spend will be doing nothing, just simply being in silence together, meeting each other without form, without distraction - open to the refuge alive in each of us.
 One of the participant's inquiries was based on the emotion of fear. Can you open up to the fear, Gangaji gently invited? The next emotion under that was sadness. Gangaji guided the participant to open her attention next to the sadness. Quite often sadness is underneath fear. First we have to stop telling the story of fear, then stop telling the story of sadness, then we don't even call it that anymore - we call it energy. We just experience the energy underneath and when we get to the bottom of it all, we find there is only stillness, spaciousness.
Whatever you feel is just right for inquiry. Whatever is appearing now is just perfect. The question is, can you fully open to whatever state arises, fully let it be here, stop your effort and let it be here? Whatever you feel, it's okay - it's the gateway for deeper inquiry. When we feel horrible and we try to escape, this sets up a pattern of non-acceptance. Is it possible not to judge it, just let it be? When we resist and fight, we then open to the experience of fighting. Fighting is futile, so stop fighting and experience what is under that, rest in what is under that.
It is a privilege to be able to rest. Some people on our planet cannot rest because if they do they may not eat or may be killed. It is important to take responsibility and not feel guilty to rest. I invite you not to throw away your chance to rest. From that the natural stillness that all wisdom arises from is alive in you - it's alive in all of us.
 Sometimes when we open to spaciousness, it is hard to stay spacious. This always surprises Gangaji. We develop an allegiance to our suffering - everything is related to our suffering. Suffering is a magnet, but our thoughts give it it's power. What Gangaji is suggesting is if we stop trying to solve it and just allow it, what remains is simple, awake, awareness. Awareness is awake and still and is aware of every emotion and state. But when we reject the emotion or state, there is suffering. If you find your mind recycling, it's a trap - you want to be free from the trap - but are you willing to give up all thoughts of yourself as a sufferer? The story has an emotional energy field. No matter what the emotion, it is the same trap door.
Perfect, pure awareness - that's who you are. Stop imagining who you are. Papaji said one twelfth of a second is all it takes. So let's take even a full second to just stop imagining.
There comes a certain maturity when you realise there's no story that will give you fulfillment. What has never suffered here, that is your self. Spaciousness is conscious, consciousness is spacious - it is aware of itself. Consciousness is aware of itself and in love.
After the session, I reflected on my experience of sitting satsang with Gangaji 8 years ago in California. I had wondered if she would be the same or have changed her approach or her style. I was open and curious and quite truthfully relishing the notion of sitting in the spacious, open stillness with her. Happily, my experience of her was just the same today. She was just the same - the message was just the same - the truth was, of course, just the same. And I found rest, just the same.
Join us tomorrow when Gangaji invites us to deepen our experience of our selves in pure, perfect awareness.
- Mattie Porte -
May 24, 2008
Photographer: Sverre Koxvold
Day 2 Morning Session: Diamond in Your Pocket
After a long, luscious period of sitting together in silence, Gangaji asked, 'Are your minds beginning to wind down?' One of the benefits of gathering in a retreat space, particularly in a place like Findhorn, is to have the support to rest and open. Gangaji likes to leave plenty of space for participants on retreat to be unstructured. Contrary to society's messages, you don't have to be industrious, you don't have to be engaged in conversation, you don't have to do anything.
As the mind unwinds, there can be resistance or fear - it's the same fear we have of death. Gangaji encourages us to open to a trust of what arises in the mind. In our over-industrialised nations, this need to constantly be 'doing' is very deep in our psyche. It is radical to do nothing. Retreat is an opportunity not to follow our normal commands. If a nap is what you need, take a nap. If a walk is what you need, take a walk. You have permission to be happy, to be free, to be your self, and you also have permission not to do that. You're grown up now, although our internal commands from childhood still arise.
Just be open to the truth without trying to understand it. It is closer than understanding. The radical invitation from Ramana, from Papaji, is to be still. Don't try to understand who you are, or who the other is, or what you should be doing or shouldn't be doing. Then there is a natural blossoming of the truth, waiting to come out. It can't be forced. Let there be a natural, organic blooming of the truth that has always been in you.
We have our alarm clocks, we have our schedules, even here on this retreat, but just let that in - you are free, and you have the privilege of being relatively free, in other words, not in prison. You are free to speak heresy and you are free to hear heresy. So, what do we do with this freedom? Nothing - let it live your life. Let truth lead you to understanding. This means 90% of the thoughts we think over and over needn't be thought! We can conserve our thought energy. The truth lives you, breathes you - let it live your life, let it inform your insides, your poetry, your dishwashing, your sweeping up.... That's the point of being in Findhorn - there's great support - it holds you. It may hold you under water for awhile - it may not be comfortable - but it is support. We can't even begin to understand how Findhorn is supporting us, how we are supporting one another. It's deeper than understanding.
Gangaji reiterated, 'I support you fully in relaxing, in taking in what's here. Who knows if you will ever be back here to Findhorn again or if this place will even be here. We're lucky - we're here now. And that support automatically goes to those who aren't here; it's naturally unfolding.'
During this morning's inquiry, a participant brought the experience of the mind spinning with the notion of moving in and out of separation and oneness. Gangaji spoke of the experience of realising what you've never moved out of, never been separate from. Let the mind spin, just let it spin off its moorings. To that both Gangaji and the participant burst into laughter. 'Now, that's a language I understand,' Gangaji declared. The participant said he knew nothing, to which Gangaji replied, 'That is a very pristine beginning.' Those of us who have benefited from being educated have difficulty being willing to open to receive. To consciously not know, and to meet your death, gives you knowing - direct knowing which only comes from a willingness not to know. If you try to hold on to that knowing, it's the same thing as not knowing. It's your imagination, and imagination is beautiful, but for purposes of self-discovery, it's not useful. Imagination has huge power. It mediates how we experience reality, life, each other. The invitation is to not know and yet to be awake, to be part of the whole - receiving from the whole and contributing to the whole.
To this the participant said, 'I don't have a clue what you're talking about,' and Gangaji responded, 'I'll take that as a confirming sign.' Once again, laughter filled the auditorium.
Another participant started her inquiry by saying, 'My problem is....' when Gangaji suddenly stopped her and said, 'Wait, before you tell me your problem, what is your solution? What else is new? Is there some emotion? Emotions are not a problem. Just take a moment, as an experiment. If this problem is imaginary, then what is here? There's no right answer. Let's just be with this moment. I'm a 'moment doctor.' Let's begin where we are which is right here. There are signs of emotion. What's the emotion? The cause is irrelevant. The emotion can take us deeper into ourselves. Identify the emotion without evaluating it. Is it possible just to let it be here?
The participant said 'nothing' was here. Gangaji replied, ' Can you just open your consciousness to nothing being here?' 'No,' said the participant, 'because I'm still suffering.' Gangaji shared, 'There is a moment of choice to experience what is here rather than concentrating on suffering. What happens if you allow your attention to sink deeper? Our natural intuition is to move away from suffering and toward pleasure. The invitation is to be counter-intuitive, to discover the source of our pain, the source of our pleasure. For this we need an enormous amount of strength. If the focus is on suffering, suffering will continue. Freedom is below suffering. We are human animals with animal instincts to preserve the body, until there is a recognition of the limits of that and a desire for something deeper. We need to be willing to suffer to get to freedom. Conscious suffering is the conduit for freedom.'
There comes a time when we outgrow our cocoon, when we long for something our 'normal' life can never give us, when we can face death. Of course, some people live their whole lives just forgetting about death and there's nothing wrong with that, but there are those of us who long to awaken. Maybe we've always longed and never been normal. Findhorn certainly isn't normal and no matter how hard it tries, it will never be normal. Gangaji then recalled her own search for someone to save her. She looked to Jesus, to the Buddha, to the Goddess. It was exhausting. Then she met Papaji who said, Stop. Deeply, internally, stop. That's my invitation to you, just for our time together. You've signed up for this retreat, so let's just stop.
Another participant spoke of the courage it took just to come and sit in the chair beside Gangaji and expose herself to all the people in the Hall. Gangaji reminded us of our herd mentality that keeps us low, afraid to expose ourselves. Under that is a longing and a desire to surrender that takes us to where we need to be.
Someone else spoke of having moments of great peace, then scampering off, chasing the next thing, getting lost again. Gangaji encouraged us to stop and, for a moment, appreciate that great peace. 'First of all,' she said, 'there is always more.' However, there will be inbetween times too when things can seem flat. Papaji used to talk of a transit time. He likened it to being in a waiting room of an airport, having just got off one plane and waiting for the next one. Now we have a choice. We can leave or stay, but most normal people would stay of course. So we don't escape the transit lounge, we wait.
It's not you that goes somewhere. It's simply revealed. We can't do it. It is done. Even if I die in this moment, I do nothing. You don't do it - you are available to it. It's free from you and me. Trust yourself, trust this peace, then you will see. Past conditioning will come up. Let it arise, don't touch it, just rest in this peace. You see for yourself what has always been here - it's retroactive. You are peace - it's not a place, or a state or a sense or a feeling or an experience. It is not separate from anything and it is free of everything. And it is recognised by the intelligence of the heart.
Join us later today when we bring you this afternoon's session of inquiry with Gangaji.
- Mattie Porte -
May 24, 2008
Day 2 Afternoon Session: Diamond in Your Pocket
This morning a participant came with a problem. We're often so fixated on our problems - 'if we could only get those problems solved, then we will find fulfillment.' That's the way we function as human animals. This is very important, of course, but when it causes us to overlook this place of refuge and peace that is our nature before human, before animal, then it is no longer useful. Ramana said the last thing to go is self-doubt and Papaji said the last problem is thinking there is a problem. If you're willing to give up that powerful and hypnotic thought, then you're free from your story, your life as you've written it. If you don't have a story, you don't have a problem. Then when it arises, you recognise, ah, that's just the story of me - not the truth of who I am - my essential nature.
Fixating, we suffer unnecessarily and our life energy goes on suffering. We talk about the use of fossil fuels destroying the planet, but look at what we do to the planet with this natural resource called our attention. Let's say give 1% or even 10% to problems, but give the other 90% to the boundless heart of existing, then you're offering your attention to world attention. Each generation throughout history thinks it has known what's needed to solve the world's problems, yet it has failed time and time again, with many more problems arising. What would it be like to not know how the problem will be solved, to not know anything...
We think we have to conquer the earth. Now we're at a time where the very conquering of earth is destroying the earth. Not to say there hasn't been great beauty. If we will just stop - who knows when we try to clean up the problem, how many more problems we create. We make it worse, we perpetuate the problem. If we just step back and open - open for openness sake - take refuge - perhaps in that moment - there's a maturity that arises - the child becomes the adult and can see from a bigger perspective.
Asking questions is good - it's healthy inquiry when approached not knowing what the answers will be. Whatever's happening externally is a reflection both ways. There is a great revelation awaiting you. I don't know when it will appear for you - it can be any moment - that moment is irresistible. In the moment, all is being said to invite you to the awake awareness that has no problem with any problem. The ego battle is reflected with our friends, lovers, family, co-workers, community. The battle stops when the ego is not being fed. Just recognise it and stop. If, for example, the thought arises that I am a wretched creature, say, 'Yes, I am a wretched creature - end of conversation, then 'wretched creature' is liberated.' Gangaji says that all of her books, writings, videos, conversations are just invitations. If it were your last day on earth, what would you want your last day to be? What links us all over the planet, in gatherings like this, is the giving of ourselves to each other and to ourselves. Open to your intelligence.
One of our participants in this session admitted that she had come down to sit because her mind was playing with the idea of wanting Gangaji to notice that she was going to take her advice and stop, and she wanted Gangaji to say, well done. Gangaji's response was, 'When are you going to stop?' Gangaji then shared with us her own experience of the need for approval. As a lover of the Goddess and a liberated woman, she was surprised to find herself in the presence of Papaji as a purely unapologetic patriarch. Why? Because she needed confirmation. What does that mean? It means confirmation of yourself and absolute connection with everything. We meet the challenge to get to the truth. Invite your mind to the satsang of your heart.
Another participant shared how scary it was to be sitting with Gangaji, facing the large audience, all eyes upon him. 'All they want from you is your self,' Gangaji said assuringly, 'and all you have to give is your self.' When Gangaji asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to be free. 'What stops you?' she asked. 'Trying to get there.' 'It's about stopping withholding yourself,' Gangaji revealed. It's natural to give yourself. Beingness loves itself - is in awe of itself - the absolute wonder to be - the absolute possibility to be - the always moreness of being.
The next participant to approach Gangaji in self-inquiry shared her confusion which she thought may be attributed to hormones: a huge part of her wanting to love and another part experiencing killing energy. Calmly and compassionately, Gangaji said, 'Let the status quo of your confusion fall apart.' The participant then shared, 'The drama is that I don't hurt anyone but me.' 'It's better to hurt yourself,' Gangaji confirmed. You don't have to thrust it out or keep it in. Just experience it - don't do anything with it. You can have a direct experience of it. Hormones are fire - they can be your enemy or your ally. There's a possibility not to express it or repress it. This is the direct experience. You sit in the fire of it and that's where the revelation is - to not move - to burn in it. It passes and there's a discovery made. If you stay unmoving there is a discovery of your strength, your true purity. Let it be as it is. Allow the deep discovery. There are always challenges no matter who you are and where you live. Maybe you choose to be by yourself or in nature at times to face your challenges. There is no formula.
Recent studies of those who express anger and those who don't have shown results the opposite of what was expected. Those who expressed their anger had higher blood pressure and built a bigger case for example, of hatred of the person or anger at the situation. This hatred, this anger doesn't have to be dumped anywhere - that's toxic. These feelings are liberated when we sit with them and open to them.
Gangaji concluded this afternoon's session by inviting us to feel whatever we are feeling fully. Let's explore the boundaries. What is this I? Let's experience this tsunami of love - let it wash the whole structure away. Papaji used to say, laugh, laugh more - when you laugh, you can't think. You are free to laugh.
Join us tomorrow for our final day of self-discovery with Gangaji.
- Mattie Porte -
May 25, 2008
Day 3 Morning Session: Diamond in Your Pocket
Today is an opportunity for participants to deepen in stillness, in spaciousness, in silence. The first portion of the morning, led by long-time community member, Judi Buttner, was spent partly in sitting meditation and partly in walking meditation. This was followed by morning satsang with Gangaji. At this point in a retreat, Gangaji shared, people start planning their departure, what's next. Gangaji invited participants to treat this day as the first day. In that context, there is really no tomorrow. Tomorrow will come naturally. Be freshly here. Don't pack you bags prematurely. We have this beautiful day together to relax, to be surprised, to experience the profound quality of what is here. There's no rush - nothing's going to end. We're just here. Welcome. So tell me, what are you discovering, what are you realising?
Gangaji asked the first participant to take the chair of self-inquiry, 'What do you think of being here in this chair? What do you make of it?' The participant looked out into the audience and said, 'I think I know them all.' She went on to say, 'If I had sat in this chair a couple of days ago, I would have brought you a story, largely one of pain and suffering. During the last year I have tried to fight the pain, tried to understand the pain, with my mind spinning around in a vortex, a maelstrom. I feared the future. When the mind stopped spinning, the pain was still there, but the more I sank into the pain, the more I began to recognise something indescribable underneath the pain. I might describe it as love, but that's just a word. That was what what was true and real, like a lake of peace, all the thoughts like ripples on the surface. No pain, no suffering, but when I began to engage with the story, I began suffering again.' At this point the participant said, 'I'm not sure I should be doing all the talking.'
Gangaji responded with laughter. 'This is pure satsang. You are sharing the truth of the profound experience of what is here. I'm so glad you've opened to your self and not to your story. It is so exquisite to hear universal truth spoken in different voices.
The next participant shared his awareness of an energy inside, which he likened to a child needing love and sympathy, yet also a little monster, blaming, projecting, then turning inwards on himself, destructively. He felt the energy of wanting to die, even the energy of taking his own life to try to destroy what's inside. He said he'd been watching it the last couple of days and its affect on himself and those around him. He saw it as fear-based and noted that it changed as he looked at it.
Gangaji responded, 'Yes, that's right. So, are you aware of it now in the form of some energy?' The participant said he was. 'Beautiful,' said Gangaji. 'That is a moment of grace. Just invite it deeper into your heart. Don't cast it out. What are you experiencing?' The participant said, 'There's no problem when I'm not resisting.' Gangaji went on, 'Yes, invite it into your self, not the story of yourself. In that moment, you're holding satsang. In that moment, you're a bodhisattva to your self. (Note: A bodhisattva is a Buddhist term meaning: an enlightened being who, out of compassion, forgoes nirvana in order to save others.)
 Welcome it in - not to fix it - invite it just as it is. There is a discovery of love that includes everything. Most humans live a life of quiet self-destruction, even if it's aimed at others. To recognise it, is maturity - to recognise that resistance creates the recycling of the story. The choice to open to your 'story' is a story of redemption. We can all recognise those stories of self-destruction within ourselves. It is a blessed life - many, many people never come to that crossroads. Papaji used to tell the story of Kabir, who for 15 seconds once, experienced his true self. Papaji says it only takes one twelfth of a second. Welcome all aspects of your self so that all beings may live in peace and harmony. Take responsibility to meet them in the heart. This is the promise of the spiritual path. There is support in this room, there is support in this holy space of Findhorn, there is support all over the planet for destruction, for receiving, and for offering.'
Another participant, who had attended satsang with Gangaji two years ago, shared, 'It seems like you infiltrate me,' to which Gangaji replied, 'When you really meet each other, you infiltrate each other. Papaji has been dead for many years - I saw the body being burned, yet he still infiltrates me - the meeting is closer than any body.'
The participant then shared how afraid she was that the retreat will end. 'Death happens when every day ends,' Gangaji gently reminded. Meet this fear of death without fixing, without changing, without judging.' 'I need to be in this atmosphere with you,' the participant insisted. 'If it's infiltrated, then you are this atmosphere,' Gangaji said. 'Somehow we need confirmation. We need to meet and hear again and again. The place, the meeting, the teacher simply points to what was always here. So, you see the challenge? Everything will always change. And you're allowed to say, 'Help,' then see what is here. Help is always here, but you may need to ask for it. In asking, the ego is humbled. Let your attention move from the story to what is here. Support is available.'
'I have a feeling of desperation,' expressed the next participant. 'That's because you are trying to get rid of it. Go toward desperation. It's not your enemy. Invite it in. It will play the part of your enemy - chase you, haunt you - say, look here. It has a gift as your ally to reveal to you, then this designation of truth and ally disappears.'
 'I'm grateful for all the challenges in my life,' shared another participant. 'Great, astounding, very mature - what a graceful life!' celebrated Gangaji. 'But my body is tired,' said the participant. 'Yes,' said Gangaji, 'the body takes a hit, but you don't. The body is the reptilian part of the brain. Receive the energy in support that is available here. Take care of the body. Celebrate your life.'
During the next inquiry, the participant noted how simple the truth is and that he had been struggling and was sick of it. He had been getting rid of things and people, yet found it difficult, even so, not to care what other people think. 'You can care,' Gangaji reassured. 'You can care, fully and completely. You can hurt and not react to it. Just feel your heart break. The truth is ruthless in its simplicity. When you let yourself hurt, your heart breaks open. And there's nothing wrong with the fear of that - fear doesn't have to disappear for you to be free.'
'I feel stuck,' the participant went on. 'Are you discriminating now, telling yourself a story?' Gangaji asked. 'Now what are you experiencing?' 'Nothing,' he replied. 'Are you willing to experience nothing? Sometimes, when we experience nothing, we say, 'Then give me back my drama.' The opportunity is to experience nothing. 'I don't want to be destitute, friendless,' replied the participant. 'What really matters?' Gangaji asked. 'What is underneath that?' 'Freedom,' acknowledged the participant.
Another participant shared that this is such a new way to be - this stopping - and that he was noticing beauty and sounds and colours as never before, though he didn't understand it when he thought about, and when he thought about it with the mind, he couldn't stop. Gangaji delighted in this. 'You never have to think again at the wonder of life. When you think this core thought, I can't stop, remember it has no substance in reality. Who you are is already stopping. The mind falls into intelligence which is consciousness. It returns home. It's nourished at home. It rests at home, naturally. Don't worry about understanding - it comes later. Let the mind rest.'
To this, the participant said, 'I still don't understand awareness.' 'It's okay,' Gangaji assured, 'awareness understands you! Awareness is your self. You are it. You are awareness. Your true face is the face before you were born. When you die, the body goes, relationships go, but life remains. Life is here. When this planet dies, life is here. It's not just carbon-related.'
 The last participant to share in this morning's self-inquiry began by saying to Gangaji, 'I'm not an adorer of you.' 'That's great,' Gangaji smiled. 'What do you adore?' 'Peace,' said the participant. 'Ah, then adore peace,' Gangaji encouraged. 'Let peace be your beloved.' 'But, I can't feel love,' lamented the participant. 'That's because you are love. You just said you adore peace, and adoration is an extreme form of love.' The participant replied that when his daughter says, I love you, on the phone to him, for example, he hesitates because he can't say, 'I love you,' back without feeling insincere. 'Then tell her you adore her,' advised Gangaji. 'In your heart of hearts when you really see your daughter, you see your self.' After a few moments of gazing into one another's eyes, Gangaji took a small hand mirror from the table beside her and held it up to the man's face for several moments before saying, in a measured tone, 'Those are the eyes of love. Stay with it for a moment. Now, that's really beautiful.'
In conclusion of this morning's session, Gangaji said, 'So, whatever your question, just bring it inside and whatever the emotion underneath that question, just invite it in. Invite in the whole world, the whole cosmos, everything you've kept out, everything you've reached for - invite it all in. This is an open-ended experiment. Over the break just discover for yourself, 'Am I keeping anything out?' Perhaps it has the teaching for you.
Join us later today for our closing session of self-discovery with Gangaji.
- Mattie Porte -
May 25, 2008
Photographer: Sverre Koxvold
Day 3 Closing Session: Diamond in Your Pocket
The final session - the final period of silence together, with this group in this configuration - all giving ourselves to the moment in sweet surrender...
For several minutes, in our first inquiry, we found ourselves experiencing pure emotion. The participant brought herself fully to the moment sharing both laughter and tears - no words necessary. When Gangaji had finally composed herself enough to speak, she said, 'Laughing and crying - it's all the same - the realisation of the truth.' She then turned to the participant and said, 'Show them the face of life and the beauty of the self. It's a great shaking when the shift of consciousness returns to itself.'
'There's so much that I'm feeling,' the participant shared.
'All is well,' Gangaji responded. 'Life includes everything. Form appears and disappears. It's closer than form.
People used to come to Papaji and he'd just laugh at the end of it all, no matter what they brought - pain, bliss - he'd just laugh.'
The next participant shared that she had closed the door to her heart and couldn't find the key. Gangaji gently directed her to stop. 'There's no door to close. The heart only knows open. It's the mind that closes. Inquire into what is the reality of this closure. First you find your heart and then you find the substance that separates you. Send your consciousness right into it and meet what appears to be separating it.' 'I don't know,' said the participant. 'Give up any idea of knowledge and just feel it,' Gangaji suggested. 'What's the feeling?' 'There's an opening,' the participant responded. 'In this moment of investigation, give up all knowing, except the knowledge that you're conscious and you're here. We make alters of our past experiences, but they're past, and if you try to know that in the present, that's entanglement. In innocence, allow yourself to see what's here. The mind chatter, perhaps if the past experiences are profound, will drown us. In the moment of drowning, we feel enlightenment.'
Another participant acknowledged that being here for him was getting real - an option that hadn't been realised before. 'I'm so glad,' said Gangaji. 'It's the freedom of choice.' Then the participant shared that he has never been able to feel his heart, so that when people say, 'come from the heart,' he can't. 'However, the moment I said that,' he further shared, 'I could almost hold my heart in my hand as if it were a baby. I'm so happy.'
 Gangaji took his hand in hers. 'Then the doubts come back,' he said. 'Can it really be so easy? This consciousness being aware of itself is just another notion. I am kidding myself? This morning, meditating with so many people, was fantastic. When I asked what was really true to myself, there was no doubt, and,' he added, 'I am totally in love with you....' (At this moment, someone sitting in front of me whispered, 'We all are!') Gangaji smiled humbly in acknowledgement and said, 'You bring up an important point - how easy it is. Maybe we have to go through so many hell realms to appreciate it. With Papaji, when I finally realised the truth, I said, 'Oh, you mean that.' We discard it so readily because it's so easy. University studies show that when people have to go through an initiation, they appreciate more; however, if something is totally given, they don't appreciate it. Perhaps we create our own initiations so we can appreciate ourselves in the deepest sense.'
The next participant revealed that he had been experiencing a lot of resistance to dropping and allowing, and asked Gangaji if she could help him move through this. 'Can you experience that even more?' she invited. 'Make it as hard on yourself as you can. Really bring it on.' The participant reported feeling fire. When you jump into that fire, into the unknown, your heart is on fire - your life force is fire.' 'I want to hold back,' the participant insisted. 'Let it hold back,' Gangaji replied. 'Where is the fire? Let's fan it a little. You have to make it worse to make it better. Your heart is calling you. It's a huge bonfire. You can even borrow resistance from your neighbours and make an even bigger bonfire. It's your ally, not to be got rid of. It's fuel.'
 The participant said that he had been triggered yesterday when we talked about the transit lounge and flatness. This triggered anger which caused him to feel resistance. His mind caused it because he wanted to feel something, to know something was happening. He thought, 'What am doing here - nothing's happening?' He even thought of going home. Gangaji understood this thinking completely. 'Really, under it all, nothing is going on. It's theatre. That thought is terrifying to us because it means death or eternal boredom. The thought of nothing going on is completely different from what's actually going on. The invitation is to open to silence - no theatre, no entertainment, no, 'I gotta' find another show.' Just silence. You're free to go to the show, but know where your home is. I never know when you've been entertained enough by the gyrations of your mind, or the drama, or the theatre, but eventually your heart will tell you the truth. Really, what do you want for this lifetime? It's so short. Three days ago it was so many days, but where is that now?'
'I'd like peacefulness,' asserted the participant, 'without this drama going on.' 'Can you love peace even if it's boring?' Gangaji began. That's why we go to war - little kids love war. We need to be willing. Maybe we need to play our war games until we are ready to love peace. There needs to be commitment. We need to marry peace - I am betrothed to this peace. If you're willing to drop your ideas and just see what's here, if you are blessed enough or graced enough to fall in love with peace, not knowing if peace will love you as much as you love peace. It's an affair of the heart. It's filled with laughter and light, but it's also deeply serious. It's about your life - life here is so short. It's your choice, to be willing to live your life. So, obviously, I'm inviting you to choose peace, but the choice is yours. Peace is here. We can also call it love or truth or self or unknowingness. Maybe you don't know what choice to make yet, so inquire - If I choose the theatre, what are the results? - If I choose to go home, what are the results? When you marry someone, you don't know what the result will be. It's nuanced as life is.
 The next participant to approach just wanted to thank Gangaji. He'd been an obsessive-compulsive seeker, but was inspired to hear Gangaji put the truth into words so beautifully, although he also admitted to 'not being there yet' and to not fully understanding everything she's said. 'When the search arises,' Gangaji replied, 'it's beautiful and true - it's a holy arising. However, the very medicine of your life can also be the poison, the pollution, when it's my search....' The participant then told Gangaji he was not putting her on a pedestal as a guru to be worshipped, to which she exclaimed with significant relief, 'Thank-you! You're a good friend.'
Another participant brought a report of having left his home to come to the retreat in the middle of a story and expressed gratitude to be here. He works with men and was happy to see young men unclenching their hearts these past three days. His question was, 'How can he do this in his own work with men?' 'You can't,' Gangaji concluded. 'What makes it possible is a mystery. All any of us can do is to open our own heart, to meet our own death, our own happiness, and that will serve others. It's frustrating, particularly for parents and teachers of young people, but we can't know what it takes for others to open. You can be a gift to anyone as long as you are not attached to the outcome. Freely give yourself and you'll see surprises. It's a mystery. In a prison in San Quentin I was once in a circle with a large group of male prisoners. These were heavy duty guys, huge, mostly black, but some white, in for life. As I looked up I saw a big, white man, with a shaved head and tattoos, weeping and I asked him to speak. He spoke pure satsang. He shared himself - right there in the heart of San Quentin prison. These types of prisoners are transferred from prison to prison regularly so that they don't build alliances. Whichever prison he gets transferred to he gets together a group of men to sit satsang. How seemingly unlikely. So anyone can open. Everyone has the capacity because the heart is open. It's only the stories and the retelling of the stories that gets in the way.'
The last participant to share told of a scary dream that she had had the night before where she dissolved into nothing. Gangaji assured her that 'death in the dream was scary, but in truth it's bliss. If you fight, it's hell, but if you surrender, it's bliss. It's sublime peace. You have the opportunity while you are awake to give up the illusion of control. Right now, give up all illusion of control. You are free. You are peace. And that's not a dream - that's reality. Let it live you. May you recognise whenever you are trying to control. You have support for that. That's a really perfect place to end our formal meeting together. We have met ourselves. This can always deepen. We may or may not ever see each other again. It doesn't matter. You discover that you are the totality of what is alive, what is life. I thank you deeply for your willingness to meet this place, your self. In closing, Gangaji said she had read in the retreat literature, 'Gangaji's Final Meeting.' And on that note, a burst of laughter once again filled the auditorium and echoed through the ethers.
Thank you for joining us on this inspiring journey of self-discovery. If you would like to know more about Gangaji and her work, visit: http://www.gangaji.org
Definition of Satsang
Satsang is a beautiful sanskrit word, meaning company of the wise, of the virtuous. This definition comes from Excerpts from This by Sri H.W.L. Poonja (Papaji, Gangaji's teacher).
Satsang is the association with Sat, the Truth.
Keeping association only with That
which will not destroy Love is Satsang.
Being Truth, Being with the Wise is Satsang.
It has no past, no future, no this, no that,
just your own nature, a field of Beauty.
The One who comes to Satsang is Happy;
even gods will take a human form in order to attend.
The Guru's part in Satsang is
to show you there are no parts.
When you do not inquire you are in parts
and you become that which can be destroyed.
Satsang in the human body is so precious and rare,
don't waste it by asking, "What is this and that."
Just humbly ask, "WHO AM I?"
- Mattie Porte -
May 25, 2008
Photographer: Sverre Koxvold
|